Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Club Online

Again, thanks to all those leaving comments and reading my ramblings.

Now onto my topic today...

My friends have asked me why I'm trying the online dating thing and why I don't just meet someone at a bar or a club or something. Well for several reasons.

1) Online I can post my best pictures and then sit at home in my jammies, with my hair in a pony tail and no make up and stuff my face with Cheetos and no one has to know about it.

2) The "club scene" where I live consists of one sports bar where old guys hang out. If I do decide to go to, what would be considered, the nearest city where there are 2 clubs, here is the demographic; The first one has live bands that suck and age range anywhere from 19 (legal age where I live) to 107 (I'm estimating). The last time I was there with my girls, the group on the dance floor next to us consisted of some old biker broad who had long scraggly grey hair and was dressed all in leather. How you can wear all leather in a club I have no idea. The only reason I ever go there is because I know some of the employees and can get free booze. The demographic at the other club is basically a bunch of eleventeen-year-olds with fake id's.

3) The "good" clubs are over an hour away from me, which means I have to find a place to stay for the night (or not drink), and it's too much hassle.

4) The "good" clubs are in fact, not all that good.

5) Most of my close friends are married with kids or are in some kind of long term relationship *sigh* and they most certainly do not want to go clubbing. They want to do couple things. Blech! My single friends that do want to go out, are basically a bunch of idiots when they're drunk and I really don't want to baby-sit them all night.

6) I like sleeping. staying up until dawn is not fun for me anymore (man I'm old). I figure I'll get enough sleepless nights when I have kids, so for now I'm sleeping!

I have basically decided that my clubbing days are behind me. And if I wasn't sure before, then my last clubbing experience definitely locked in that decision for me. Grab some popcorn and settle in, cause I'm going to fire some entertainment your way.

A close friend of mine was celebrating her birthday and asked if I'd come out clubbing with her and some of her other friends. Based on what I mentioned above, I'm not a big fan of clubbing anymore. But she lives where the "good" clubs are, I could stay at her house, and she had the VIP room reserved at her favourite club. So hey, if I actually get to go to a club and say "I'm on the list," I'm game. I want to feel all important for the night. Plus she is a good friend and it's her birthday, so I'm in!
Now what to wear?!? Back in my younger, stupider, slightly thinner days (so about 5-6 years ago), my girls and I went clubbing all the time. Almost every night. To the point that we were exhausted by Saturday night and we stayed home. Anyway, when we went clubbing, yes we wanted to look fabulous, but we also wanted to be comfortable while dancing the night away. So some black pants, a cute, slinky tank top, some adorable sandals, glittery makeup, hair pulled up so it's out of the way but still cute, and you're good to go. The boys will come a runnin'. My Lord, how times have changed! The extreme effort that goes into the "look" for a night out at the club makes me tired just thinking about it (and broke). OK admittedly, every pair of shoes that I saw were adorable (some were not worn correctly - black tights with open toes fuchsia pumps, oh honey no!). Footwear aside, what is with the wardrobe? Is there a contest as to how whored up these youngins can look? (yeah I said youngins)Are you not afraid to move in dresses that short. You'll be doing the Britney and flashing your business to everyone. Unless that's your way of advertising. And Victoria let the secret out didn't she? I have always been fairly gifted in that department, but MY GOODNESS! Who needs implants when a good push up will do the trick? The clevage perfection being demonstrated was astounding! (and no I do not have implants, it's all real on this body). And did they go to a salon before heading out the door? Hair is perfectly done, make-up is immaculate. Obviously, clubbing is not about go out, dancing, and having fun anymore! It's who can look the most like Paris Hilton.

So we arrive at the club and get in line!!! Wait what happened to the VIP room? Oh she never called to reserve it. Well she knows the owner or something right, get us in, it's cold out here. (I'm wearing a coat and pants and closed toes shoes...the girls behind us, not so lucky). So we stand in line shivering for an hour. (by now it's midnight and I really just want to go to bed). So we get in, check our coats and walk up the flight of stairs to the club (about 15 steep steps, keep that in mind cause it comes in handy later). We wait at the bar, and wait, and wait, and wait. I could have finished a bottle of rum at home by now! We get one drink and now she wants to go dance. Cool with me I like dancing. So out to the dance floor. Were they always this crowded? I swear to God if one more person bumps into me or pushes me out of the way, or steps on my toes, I'm am going to go postal!
Now it's 1am and my feet hurt. Maybe cause I was standing in heels in the cold for an hour already. I wear heels all the time, I live in them. But that's at work where I sit on my ass all day. They're more for show then practicality. So I'm sitting on the couch near my dancing friends, but I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm far from buzzed, and I'm bored. And I'm tried of watching girls make idiots of themselves to impress guys. So I'm heading downstairs. It's 1:30, they shut down at 2:00 I can handle half an hour. I get my coat and wait, chat up the bouncers (who are super hot and very nice - OK so the night wasn't a total waste).
Now, remember those stairs I mentioned. The person who decided to put a club full of drunk chicks in 4 inch heels at the top of a steep flight of stairs, is an evil and twisted person. But God bless them, because it is entertaining as hell watching drunk chicks in heels try and make it down the stairs. Until you get the too drunk to walk individual.
Here she comes, and she's with a group. This drunk Asian girl (I'm not trying to be racists, just painting a picture), is partially stumbling, and partially being carried by her boyfriend to the top of the stairs. The bouncers and I watch, because this is going to be funny. Oh and she's still carrying her drink. She stumbles forward, but catches herself (damn), and stumbles backwards to lean against the wall. As her friends try to convince her to attempt the stairs, Drunk One decides to smash the glass against the wall. Hmm that's an interesting turn of events. Broken glass in hand Drunk One uses said glass to SLIT HER WRISTS!!! Yeah you heard me! The bouncers went running and I was in shock. Turns out she didn't cut that deep, but still, WTF?! How drunk are you that wrist slitting seems like a good plan in the middle of a club?
That drama is over, and now there's a new act taking place at the coat check. Two girls fighting over (what else) a man! High school called, it wants it's drama back! moving on.
K, it's 2am, this place should be shutting down and I can put my jammies on and go to bed! SWEET! hmm, but the walls are still vibrating from the beat, and the crowd hasn't begun to spill out yet. So I ask the hot bouncers what the deal is. Last call is at 2, the club shuts down at 3. FANTASTIC!!! Was that the rule when I was clubbing? It probably was, but I probably didn't care, because I didn't need sleep back then.
Back to the entertainment. Drunk chicks are funny. Chicks pretending to be drunk, whole 'nother ball game. Why do people do this? Do you think your cool because you're acting drunk, when you're very clearly not? You're obviously using it to drape yourself all over random guys and stumble around like a complete moron and you look a goon so stop it!
As 3am approaches, the crowd in the lobby is getting thicker. Some drunk guy leans on me and asks if I want to go back to his place for a drink. Oh please can I? Um, no I'm good thanks buddy!
So who are the last people out of the club? oh that would be my firends, because they are a bit younger and not quite as dull as I am. Club night is over, we can go home now right? OH NO! We're going to so-and-so's for pizza. Well the Pizza was good and I was hungry, so that was alright.
5am rolls around and I'm finally going to bed (or to couch I guess - I don't care, it's sleepy time)! 7am rolls around and I'm awake! WTF? What happened to the days where I could stay out until 5am and then sleep til noon and get up and do it all again without batting an eye? Oh that's right, reality happened and I have to work from 9-5 now on a daily basis. so my body thinks 7am is wake up time no matter when I sleep. Whatever, I can sneak out and go home and veg for the day...

And go back to searching online, in my jammies, with no makeup and bags under my eyes, yawning every 2 minutes, and eating PB and J sandwiches while I watch the Law & Order: SVU Marathon on USA and do my laundry.

Could my life really have become that boring in such little time. My friends, you have no idea!!!


So@24 said...

Guh. Clubs are absolutely terrible. The prep, the uncertainty if you're going to be able to get in, trying to approach a gaggle of women?

Sigh. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. No thanks!

1218Blog said...

You definitely don't want to meet someone in a club! Not someone of substance anyway. Bad, bad, idea!

Two Date Diva said...

"High school called, it wants it's drama back!"

I laughed so hard I think I peed myself.